A HUNGRY DREAM

I just woke up from a dream I just had.


I was feeling hungry very late at night, somewhere. I was staying in an apartment. My elder brother just left after feeling hurt of something. It must’ve been over some musical instruments or something when he came to my place. Then out of nowhere my niece Ayu dropped by and I cannot remember why but she left soon after that.

I locked the door and went down searching for something to eat. I cycled to some place I don’t remember where and I came to this one mamak stall frying and selling mee . I remembered ordering a plate of mee goring but he told me he only sell mee rebus. I could see the wet mee on the table. So I ordered one first and then made it two since I was feeling so hungry.

While waiting for my turn of mee, I was chit chatting with some guys there. It was about computer or something as I remembered showing off how much I am know about computer.

It was after an hour or more did I realized I still have not got the mee I ordered. So I asked the mamak about my order. He surprised me by telling that there was no more mee left. I was very disappointed and kept telling him that I have been waiting for my mee an hour or more ago.

Insensitively he suggested I asked the guy sitting on the bench next to me as he had ordered several packs of mee which I saw lying unpacked yet on the table in front of him. I asked him for one pack to spare but he said he had just enough for his family. I begged him to spare me just one pack as I am so hungry. He just shook his head and refused to part with any.

So I left, very frustrated.

I dreamt walking and walking until I came to realize that this was not the route I took. Then I remembered my bicycle . I turned back but took a route that came into my dreams many times before. This was the same route that leads to many destinations, one of which I remembered dreaming before was a route to a town in Pahang (?). Another route would be leading me back to the Police Depot I used to live with my father who was an instructor to the police recruits.

The roads looks familiar. The same terrains, some hilly areas, barren of greens. I kept walking hoping I would find the place I parked my bicycle.

I came to a railway junction. There was a row of houses which must be the railway quatters as they were standing by the railroad . I met this boy and his small brother. It seemed I was in India or somewhere Indian as the boy looked Indian and did not understand Bahasa Melayu. I then asked him in English where I can find a stall selling food at that hour of the night. The boy just shook his head signaling that he did not understand English.

I kept on walking and then came to some place which looked like a railway depot. And I was so relieved to see a food court nearby. However only two stalls were seen opened but about to close down for the day. I approached one and ask the owner if there was anything left that I could eat but he just shook his head.

Then a man who looked like a guard of the railway depot spoke to me. He asked me what I was looking for. I told him I was looking for something to eat. Is there anywhere around an eating place open? He pointed at a restaurant on the other side of the food court but added that it sold pork. He seemed to know I am Malay and Muslims don’t take pork.

He asked me where I came from. I told him I thought I came that way earlier and even parked my bicycle there. Then I saw my bicycle parked at the place I left it. I was so excited seeing my bicycle and told the man, “See? I was here. That’s my bicycle over there!” pointing at my bicycle.

And I woke up.

Feeling weak on the knee and some sensations to the body. I feel weak all inside as I left my bedroom and walked downstairs. I pee first then to the kitchen to make a thick cupful of milk. And killed the hunger away with crackers and peanut butter.


I was and still am taking 22ml of insulin every night before bed time. I am a diabetic

CAN LIFE BE SO BORING?

Can it?
How come?
Ask these questions and try come up with the answers.
What are the answers?
Ask yourself. Only you know.
Can someone tell you the answers?
They can if they can.
But will you let them tell you the answers you already know?
Will you accept them?
I won't.
Here goes.

I don't have a life of my own.
If this is so, what are you living on?
For those who are still depending on me.
For now.

I would like to be free.
Are you not free now to do anything you wish to do?
Yes, I can do anything that I want.
So, what is holding you back from the freedom?
I am chained to the responsibilities of loooking after my dependents.
But that is what is expected of you.

I want to leave.
Go where?
Anywhere I please, out of this place.
What are you planning to do if you can leave this place.
Do what I please.
Like what? You get bored so easily. You won't last long. Finally, where will you end?
Die.
Live.
No, die!
That will come when the time comes.
Now!
The time has not come. You have unfinished business to attend do.

Leave me alone!
Are you not alone already?
Yes.
And you like being alone.
Yes.
So what is it you are complaining about.
I feel bored being alone.
Then be with somebody.
Who?
Yourself is also that somebody.
You are talking nuts.
So are you. You are nuts too.
Get lost. Dissapear!
Leave you alone?
Yes. Leave me alone.
Then stay alone. Don't you ever complaint about it any more. I am going.

It ain't so boring after all talking to youself, is it?

AZIZI KENA MARAH.

Pagi ini aku bahasakan Azizi "pondan" kerana menunggu ibunya mengangkat beg sekolahnya ke dalam kereta. Budak-budak sekolah sebaya, malah lebih kecil darinya, termasuk perempuan berani mengayuh baisikal pergi dan balik sekolah. Aku berasa terikat, terpenjara, di rumah kerana tidak bebas membawa diriku melara ke mana-mana bersendirian kerana terpaksa pulang tepat pada masa dia keluar dari kelas.

Aku mahu dia berdikari , macam aku sewaktu sebaya dia, mengurus sendiri kepergianku ke seklah dan balik. Waktu aku dalam darjah tiga seperti dia dahulu aku bangun seawal jam 5pagi, mandi di perigi yang sejuk airnya, tanpa sarapan tapi membawa bekalan air kopi dalam botol "oren", goreng pisang atau cucur kodok , mengayuh baisikalku ke stesen bas di pekan, lebihkurang dua batu. Jalan kampong tanah merah, ikut lorong dalam kebun getah bila hujan kerana jalan keluar bertanah merah licin dan melekat kepada roda baisikalku.....

Tapi Azizi terlalu dimanjakan oleh ibunya. Mandi dengan air panas yang dijerang ibu dalam cerek. Bangun diangkat dukong dari tempat tidornya ke bilik mandi. Dimandikan ibunya. Dipakaikan uniform, diminyap dan disikat rambutnya. Kemudian dihidangkan sarapan pagi biskut dengan milo sambil menonton kartun di Astro. Terlalu dimanjakan.

Aku pernah tidak mahu menghantar dia ke sekolah , kerana aku hendak mengajar ibunya pula melakukan kerja itu . Ku belikan ibunya sebuah motosikal Yamaha Ego berenjin automatik. Sesuai dengan keupayaan ibunya menolak dan memandu. Namun hanya sekali dua sahaja dia dibawa ibunya ke sekolah. Itupun pernah terjatuh motosikalnya ketika hendak selekoh keluar dari pagar rumah. Sejak itu Azizi takut hendak membonceng motosikal yang dipandu ibunya. Maka aku jugalah , sekali mengantuk, terpaksa akur bila dibangunakan isteri setiap pagi.

"Bang, dah pukul tujuh suku (7.15AM)"....
Selepas mengeliat di katil ku bangun turun ke bilik air dan membasuh muka ku ,. rambutku dan berkomor mulutku. Pakai apa baju yang sempat , berikan belanja sekolah RM1,50 kepada Azizi, panaskan enjin keretaku (Waja Campro 1.6) , tunggu Azizi naik dan ibunya meletakkan beg sekolah, dan pergi. Azizi akan melambai2 ibunya selamat tinggal hingga kereta berada di jalanraya. Pagi ini ku suruh dia hentikan lambaian yang panjang. Jikalau tidak tak payah pergi sekolah. Balik ke pelukan ibunya. Dah berumur sembilan tahun masih tidor dengan ibu! "Pondan"